"Dig the Lingo of Employers and Employees"

Employer's Lingo:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"

We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"

We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"

I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"

I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"

I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE"

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"

I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE"

I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO"

I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

1. Refers to those "intimate moments" as "Win-Win situations"

2. Valentine`s Day card has bullet points

3. Can`t be trusted with the car (too accustomed to beating up rentals)

4. Celebrate anniversary by conducting a performance review

5. Ends any argument by saying "let`s talk about this offline"

6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom

7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation

8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day"

9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"